Where is My Mind?
by 0erbayunFang
Summary: Totally unconnected rich-in-drabble one-shots about Snow and Lightning, in all their un-BETAed glory. Name is inspiration from a song that fits these characters perfectly. Rated T in case I drop the f-bomb, rating is subject to change.
1. Grief Stricken Confusion

_**A/N: No, I'm not dead! My computer died; it needs a new battery and I'm using Dad's.**_

_**I really just wanted to try something new to keep my creative juices flowing...some deviation from my norm, which is usually Hoperai, and one of my other favs is Snow/Lightning. For all the people out there yelling, "Blasphemy!" REALLY LOUDLY at the screen, I don't believe in the matchup, I just like it.**_

_**Summary: She never wanted sympathy. She never wanted pity. But now, she didn't want to be alone.**_

_**Disclaimer: I wish.**_

…

Lightning sat on a conveniently-placed rock by the waterfall, watching the chocobos' feathers shine silver in the moonlight. She couldn't sleep even if she wanted to; thus, here she was, on the second watch of the night, with nothing but her thoughts to focus on.

And how torturing those thoughts were.

She knew, in the back of her mind, that it was wrong to be thinking of the blond-haired, blue-eyed brute. She _knew_.

So why couldn't she stop? Worse, why didn't she want to?

He is promised to her sister, who loves him. She herself is supposed to hate him, those punches, first in the Vestige, then in the crystallised Lake Bresha, proof of it. She didn't regret them then. So why should she now?

She groaned, putting her head in her hands until a little silvery-feathered ball of down bumped into her temple. It was hard to tell in the moonlight, but it was definitely Sazh's chocobo chick, fluttering happily with a gang of fluffy silver balls with wings.

_He's certainly made some new friends, _Lightning thought to herself wryly. It was a short but genuinely sweet distraction from her own whirring thoughts, but it didn't last long. Soon enough she was thinking of him again. Snow Villiers. Said brute rolled over in his sleep, snoring contentedly. She catalogued every detail, with one part of her mind screaming at her that she had no right, that he was her sister's and not hers. But she did it anyway.

His lips, slightly parted. His hands tightly clutching Serah's tear. His hair, currently falling over his eyes, both silvery in the light of the moon.

Open.

Her own eyes widened, her hands balled into fists, both physical attempts to stop her blush from reaching her cheeks. She was caught and both of them knew it. He didn't stop staring at her, nor she at him. Their eyes were locked together, and she didn't want to stop. What was she supposed to be doing again?

She stood abruptly, suddenly needing a place to go, to hide from those almost hypnotising baby blues still trained on her. She ran, gunblade holster gently tapping against her thighs as she did so, its weight soothing. The only thing registering in her mind was to flee, flee from the confusing feelings raging inside of her.

She could hear heavy footfalls behind her, feel his heat like it were an extension of her body, and she knew he was trying to follow her. He was closer now. She could hear his heavy breathing. She ran faster, but she knew it would be inevitable he catch her. She may have more stamina, but he's sure faster than he looks.

Finally she felt a hot hand on her shoulder, spinning her around to face him for the second time in ten minutes. They both were breathing hard, chests heaving as they tried to catch their breath.

"W-what..." she panted, trying to catch her breath before speaking again. "Why did you follow me?"

He remained silent. His hand was still on her shoulder, but as it slid down her arm, raising goosebumps over the skin, his eyes smouldered, and she knew. Reason flew back to her in a heartbeat as she yanked her arm from his hand, stepping back and out of arm's reach. She shook her head. "You belong to my sister, Snow. And she belongs to you."

"She's stopped speaking to me. What if she doesn't wake up?"

"And if she does?" That seemed to stump him long enough for Lightning to gather her remaining stamina and bolt again.

"Hey – wait! Lightning!" She could hear him follow again. This time Lightning took as many twists and turns as she possibly could before finally coming to a halt in front of the two Dire Flan blocking her path. She cursed under what breath she had left before drawing whatever weapon she had on her at the time, which happened to be her Edged Carbine. She flipped it smoothly into sword mode and immediately started attacking, knowing Snow wasn't too far behind her. As if thinking of him summoned him, he emerged from the opening behind her, panting heavily before catching sight of the flan and running to put himself between them and her.

"You want her? Get through me first!" He put his fists up defensively.

"Surely you know me better by now?" Lightning flipped gracefully over Snow's 6-foot form, landing softly inches in front of him. He immediately started throwing various fire spells at them while Lightning threw Ruin with occasional dodges and cures along the way. It was a long and painful fight with only the two of them but with Snow on her side, she might as well have had Fang as well. He might not have been an excellent healer, but he sure-as-hell was a good sentinel.

Eventually their efforts payed off. The flan seemed to lose all will to hold themselves up and they dissolved into putrid-smelling puddles. Lightning snagged some mysterious fluid in a little phial, then put it into the red pack strapped to her thigh and the top of her skirt before leaning against the craggy wall, staring at the group of four Gorgonopsids a ways ahead of them, none the wiser to their presence, or what had gone down. Snow was very tired, from waking up in the middle of the night, chasing after Lightning twice, and the fight with the flan. He mirrored his female companion's movements, leaning against the wall next to her, sinking down with her to the ground, pretending not to notice her sleeveless overcoat riding up her back as she did so. He had no idea what had gotten into him before, when he'd traced his hand over the soft-but-hard muscles of her arm, savouring the satin-soft feel of her skin. He was supposed to feel like that only for his damsel, his beloved Serah. But why did Lightning let him? Did she feel anything? This pulled him back to when he had stopped to admire Serah's tear in the light of the sunset earlier. He knew, when Lightning had placed her fist in the middle of his back, when she told him to keep his promise to Serah, to make sure he kept to his word when he said that one crystallised tear would be the last, that she was hiding at least one severe emotion locked inside of her, desperate to show itself to the world; to show Claire, opposed to the normally-solitary Lightning everyone knew.

She was wracked with guilt; guilt for not believing Serah about the whole l'Cie thing, for not getting there sooner before she turned to crystal, for taking her grief and anger out on the only one she knew was strong enough to withstand her explosive temper – Snow Villiers – and for not being there for Serah in general all the years since their parents' brutal death. She still felt grief; every day they trekked through Gran Pulse's wilderness, finding nothing but King and Kaiser Behemoths picking fights with Gorgonopsids and Megistotherians, her belief in the theory that Serah will one day awaken would weaken. Even after Fang had told her story, how she eventually woke up after 500 years, and then at the Estheim residence Snow had told her basically the same thing, she didn't entirely believe, but it was pretty close to it. Now more doubt flooded her mind than belief, and she didn't know what was true. The only one who would even remotely understand what had been happening since they'd taken on Barthandelus – the one Lightning had first despised when he'd been introduced to her by her fragile sister – is Snow. She didn't know if anyone else saw his rapidly deteriorating state of mind or if it was just her that noticed, but she sensed he was in almost as much pain as she was. His ever-present optimism was only ever there if one of their group was there to witness it, but only Lightning could see through his otherwise-convincing facade.

His gentle question cut through her train of thought. "Lightning, is Serah coming back?"

When she realised she didn't know, tears welled up in her eyes; tears she'd been holding back since her parents' death. She refused to let Snow see her infuriating weakness or let a tear fall. She was strong for Serah when she was 15; she would be strong now. Somehow in the back of her mind, she knew Serah would want her to let it out, the pain and grief that was gnawing away inside her, ripping a hole through her heart, instead of bottling it up inside, but she was far too stubborn for that. She only rarely showed that side of her with Serah bearing witness; how could she bare her soul to the ape sitting beside her now?

A thought that was not hers wiggled its way in through her brain and etched itself into her memory, a thought with Serah's voice and essence written all over it:_ Remember, I am with you always._

That sent her over the precarious edge she had been teetering over in her mind into the abyss of her black emotions. She was cracking, fraying away at the seams, and in front of Snow, no less.

Snow, feeling the change in his usually-feisty companion, knelt in front of her and put his arms around her, not caring if she punched him later for it. She, as expected, struggled in his arms at the unfamiliar touch. She never wanted sympathy. She never wanted pity. But now, she didn't want to be alone with her torturous thoughts about Serah or the negative emotions bottled up in her chest. She drew in a breath and opened her mouth to command Snow to _get the hell off of her, _but instead started bawling. She cried for her mother, her father, all her other estranged family and of course Serah. Snow rocked her back and forth, like you would with a distraught child, and murmured soothing nonsense into her ear, not caring if her salty tears stained his coat or shirt.

Lightning didn't care who or what heard her misery, her grief. For the first time in a long time, she let go of the negative emotions she'd been holding in for so long. She cried until there were no more tears to spill, until she was bone-dry. Snow simply held her, refusing to let himself take advantage of her distraught state, both for his sake and for Serah's. He may be flesh and blood, but he would never relinquish his choke-hold on the villain in him. Not unless she acted first.

Not until now did Lightning fully comprehend what position she was in with her sister's fiancée. He was sitting cross-legged with his arms around her; she was straddling his hips with her hands on his back and her face buried in the crook of his neck. He made no objection and neither did she; she didn't want to let go of the only warmth she'd held since this whole adventure began, and little did she know he felt the same. As the misery and sadness slowly faded, another totally unfamiliar feeling started to well up inside her: desire. Covered or not, her hands on his back, her face in his neck, the skin touching him started to rise in temperature. Suddenly she wanted the man sitting before her, the man who cared enough to put his arms around her while she cried herself dry.

What was she thinking? How could she want her _sister's fiancée? _This is madness! What is wrong with her?

Snow chose just that moment to pull away enough to be able to look into her eyes. Lightning immediately felt nervous: she didn't know what he saw there. She had never felt so vulnerable, but she felt safe, too. Safety was something she never indulged in; her job made it impossible. But right now, whether or not he knew, she felt safer than she had ever felt with another person. He was unravelling her, showing her true self, and she could feel the hardness encased around her heart chip and crack. So when Snow shifted his weight, Lightning clung to him tighter, burying her face in his chest, inhaling his scent, mixed with the earthy and wild scent of Gran Pulse wildlife.

"You all right now?" Snow murmured, gently wiping away a stray tear.

Lightning nodded slightly. What shocked her was that after all the things she'd done to him, he still had the heart to care about her well-being. It was that shock, his gentleness, that finally sent her over the edge. All coherent thought flew from her mind as she grabbed his shoulders and leaned into him, seeking his lips. His arms moved from her shoulders to her waist, snaking around her hips as he kissed back. The taste of her lips was addicting. He couldn't get enough. He ran his tongue swiftly across her bottom lip and she opened her mouth obligingly, eager to deepen the kiss. Her taste was intoxicatingly sweet, different from Serah.

_Serah. Forgive me._ The thought was mutual, but they couldn't find it in themselves to stop. Both wanted the other, badly.

Lightning knew that if they went any further, they really wouldn't be able to stop. Guilt was something she did not need more of. So she put her hands on his chest and pushed.

Her lips now free, she said breathlessly, but with enough authority to make him listen, "We need to stop."

Snow raised an eyebrow. He leaned forward, enough that his breath brushed her lips. "Are you sure you want to stop?"

Lightning leaned away from him, disentangled herself and stood. She said, not entirely convincingly, "Yes."

Snow quickly stood as well, knowing she was lying. He knew her reason, too. She did not want him to betray Serah, especially not with her. She did not want the weight of blame to crush her shoulders.

Snow caught her hand and spun her around once again, and Lightning couldn't bring herself to pull away this time. _This is the moment, _she realised suddenly, _where we become something more or forget all of this. _

It was a now-or-never moment. She mentally cursed but stepped closer to him, giving in. She looked up at him, slightly peeved about the height difference. Snow looked down and smiled, daring to run his thumb down her cheek. She grabbed his hand and closed the remaining distance between them, meeting his lips in a hot kiss. What wasn't completely relevant faded away until it was just them in the world.

Which was probably a good thing.

…

Serah's soul looked down at the relatively happy couple. She knew in her heart that this would happen eventually, whether she woke up or not. It was one of the reasons why she tried to break it off with Snow, but he had chased her desperately, intent on comforting her. A hot tear slid down her cheek, but strangely it wasn't a tear of sadness.

It was a tear of joy, of happiness, of hope of a better future for her family.

…

_**Was the ending crappy? Was there not enough fluff? Let me know!**_

_**Until my computer gets a new battery, all of my stories (Except this one, New Beginnings and TLTD) are now on HIATUS. Sorry for the inconvenience guys, but blame Mum for stealing the only charger for this type of computer in the house because she effed up the other one and we couldn't afford to replace it. I am so glad she hasn't ever been on this site in her life.**_

_**So until next time, Ciao kupos!**_


	2. The Fall's Aftermath

_**I know it's been a while, but I just haven't been feeling up to writing, with a bout of flu going around the school, and exams (only the maths one to go! Woot!), so I'm really sorry. The new TLTD chappie will be up soon, I just haven't felt like getting it up this week, so...sorry! **_

_**If anyone's wondering, I got inspiration for this as I was mindlessly walking around the Archylte Steppe with Lightning, Fang and Snow in my group. I was in the Western Benchland, levelling up my crystarium and picking fights with Leyaks and Rangdas (Trust me, that spot is really good for training) and as I was running past one of the little ruins that clearly used to be a little hut, I thought, hmmmm...**_

_**At least you know I'm alive...right?**_

_***Murderous silence***_

_**Oh dear.**_

_**Title: The Fall's Aftermath**_

_**Summary: After Fang and Vanille's brave sacrifice to try to save the 'Viper's nest' and Serah's continued absence, Lightning and Snow try not to fear the worst. When an innocent trip through the wilderness to gather data for the survivors goes awry, they realise that they may have to rethink a few things...**_

* * *

The dawn sun washed over the plains of the Archylte Steppe's Western Benchland. The once-ruined dome-like structures had finished being re-built by the survivors of the Fall three weeks previously, and extras had been added here and there. The newly-refurbished sleepy village now housed those survivors, which included the NORA gang and the former l'Cie. Fang and Vanille had yet to awaken, and there were doubts about when – or if – they would. No-one was sure where inside the pillar they rested, but popular beliefs suggested that they were at the base. The recovery had begun.

One lonely silhouette stood out in the dawn light. The woman had blush-coloured hair falling over her left shoulder. Her eyes were an icy, cerulean blue, and her stance, although slightly fragile, was rigid and tense, as though waiting for an ambush. Lightning Farron tilted her head up to look at the clouds, lit up bright orange by the sunrise. She sighed.

_Oh, Serah, _she thought. _I wish you could see this._

Serah Farron was Lightning's younger sister. She had not woken up from her crystal stasis as Lightning and Snow had believed, and as far as they knew, her crystal was enclosed somewhere in the giant spherical shell of the fallen Cocoon. Both Lightning and Snow wanted to try to find her, but knew it had a high probability that it would be fruitless. Neither of them wanted to accept or admit that she was gone forever.

Lightning shook her head to clear those thoughts. She _had_ to come back.

A huge hand clasped her shoulder, causing her to tense and raise her gunblade, spinning so that her steel-toed combat boots made contact with the back of her would-be assailant's knees, causing him to fall to them. She had her gunblade positioned at his throat before she fully recognised him as something other that a threat. She slowly lowered her gunblade and offered her hand to the blonde brute, which he took willingly.

"I thought you would've learned by now not to sneak up on me like that," Lightning muttered, frowning slightly.

"Yeah. I was just coming to tell you that the gang want us 'former l'Cie' to scope out the place for them so they can draw up a map, but then you jumped me," Snow replied, "and when I say 'former l'Cie', I mean us two."

"Why just us? What about Hope and Sazh?" Lightning asked.

"Sazh wants to spend more time with his newly-free son, which I can appreciate, and Hope wants to sit this one out and spend some quality time with his Omni-kit and a weapon, which I don't get."

Lightning nodded, lost in thought once again. Hope had become tech-handy during their time as l'Cie, and he had also become fast friends with Maqui during the three weeks they've come to know each other. They'd spent a lot of time on little projects here and there, mostly with weapons, and their latest project (not a weapon) is Bhakti, Vanille's pet robot. They had collected a variety of materials and spare parts from the Steppe, just enough to fix him in case Vanille ever awoke from her slumber in crystal stasis.

"All right then. Where are we going?"

Snow scratched the back of his head. "They were thinking through the Vallis Media to the Yaschas Massif, actually, preferably in a couple of days."

"Then we can start now. There's plenty of the day to come, and that should get us at least to the entrance to the Vallis Media." And with that, she walked smoothly past him to what had been her home for a couple of months now, but when she reached the entrance, Snow could see her shoulders sag a little in defeat. He had a feeling he knew what she was thinking about.

**…**

lightning felt the very tense muscles in her lower neck and shoulders give as soon as she walked through the makeshift door, which was basically torn leathers and smooth hides sewed together to form the illusion of a secure door. As soon as she was inside, and firmly away from the outside world, or as far away as she could get at this moment, she had to grit her teeth and ball her slender hands into fists to stop the tears she knew were waiting behind a weak, brittle dam. She was cracked, fractured, broken even, by the loss of her sister. She was tired of acting like Lightning, and bottling up the emotions that currently wanted to break out of her chest in the form of anguished sobs. It had been like this since she awoke from her very brief stay in crystal stasis, and Serah wasn't running towards her, or Snow for that matter. She just wasn't there.

That had been her first clue.  
And since then, through those torturous months, they waited; cleaning up the rubble in the Western Benchland, rehabilitating the structures behind the moss, ivy and the occasional Rangda or Leyak. Lightning knew she was being negative, but she also knew, deep down, that Serah wasn't coming home, and that hit her hard. It frightened her, frazzled her so much more than when a certain blonde got under her skin and rubbed her the wrong way, more than when she first lost her parents. That she could partly deal with, because she had her baby sister by her side. She was never truly alone, no matter how much she felt like it.

But now she felt so bare, so vulnerable, even though she fought her hardest to pretend otherwise. It was exhausting to try to hide everything; all her feelings, the emotions. But she felt she had no other choice. Not even Hope, who she had developed a bit of a soft spot for; had come to trust, to love like a little brother; could do nothing to lighten her mood. If she was being truly honest, the only one who could truly understand what she was going through right now was Snow, but there was no way she was going to share her messed up feelings with him. Oh no. No way in hell.

_Serah, what should I do? _She felt like screaming until her voice was hoarse, until the whole world knew her pain intimately. She felt so alone right now: just another face in the crowd of hopelessly lost people who had come to experience the same loss she had. What could she do about that?

Not a damn thing.

She needed a distraction. A good week's worth of trekking through the wilds of Gran Pulse, with lots of monsters waiting to be gutted, sounded like just the thing. At least the big brute was good for _something_.

"Hey, uh, Lightning? Can I talk to you?" a familiar voice sounded from behind the the leather door. _Well, it's not like he can knock, _Lightning thought wryly as she crossed the room to pull away one corner of the leather to find Sazh looking back at her.

"I was wondering if it was too late to change my mind? About coming with you guys. I mean, Dajh is in good hands here, and to be honest, I still don't trust you two goin' off on your own. You'd kill him before you got halfway across the Steppe."

"That's an exaggeration. Things are different, now. We trust that we'll watch each other's backs, but the prospect of more company – especially out here – would be appreciated. Even on a good day, he still has no trouble getting under my skin," Lightning replied.

"That's what I was afraid of. When are you leaving?"

"As soon as possible. If we can take the advantage of an early start, we should be able to make it to the Vallis Media before nightfall."

Sazh smiled and shook his head. "Not everyone's you, Soldier Girl. What were you thinking of taking as transport, anyway?"

Lightning frowned slightly. "I didn't think of that, actually. I assumed we'd be walking."

"You're tellin' me that you forgot how hard it is to walk the whole way to the Vallis Media, even after all we've been through?" There was a hint of laughter in his voice.

"It was easy for me."

This time, he laughed outright. "Like I said, not everyone's you."

"I guess I've had a lot on my mind lately," Lightning sighed quietly.

"And I don't blame you." He put a brief comforting hand on her shoulder. "You know you can talk to any of us. Besides, you never know. She could wake up any day."

_But I won't be there, _she longed to say. Instead, she said, "You could say the same about Fang and Vanille."

Sazh shrugged. "My point is still valid," he pointed out. Lightning smiled slightly and pretended to be comforted by his words, but inside, she was still a mess. Perhaps a week away from society would do her some good, clear her head.

Long after Sazh left to organise himself for the trip ahead, Lightning was, once again, trapped inside her own mind, her thoughts spinning and creating a mini tornado in her head, battering her skull. _She could wake up any day..._

_Is Sazh right, Serah? Are you really still out there, still alive? Keeping Fang and Vanille company inside the pillar, even? _She sighed again. _Tell me what to do. Give me some sort of sign. Where are you? Are you even still in the realm of the living at all?_

"Hey Lightning! You ready to go?" Snow called from outside, interrupting her thoughts for the second time that morning.

"Yeah," she called back.

**…**

Their plan was to stop by the Font of Namvis to collect the chocobos for transport, and after a couple of hard fights with the resident Sahagin and Orobons that just wouldn't leave the oversized avian creatures alone, they were ready to set off for the Vallis Media.

"Ah! I'm getting' too damn old for this! Help!"

Well, almost.

"Chocobo transport was your idea," Lightning called.

"I kinda feel sorry for him," Snow remarked, looking at the scene before him: a man in his early fourties being dragged around the damp ground by the Gysahl reins with a somewhat reluctant chocobo on the other end.

"Then why don't _you _help him?" Lightning asked as the chocobo continued to play hard-to-get with Sazh. Even his little chocobo chick, which had gotten very attached to him, was hovering with the others, now and then making a small "kweh!" in disappointment.

Snow just shrugged in response.

Finally, after Sazh had taken control of his chocobo and Snow and Lightning had wrangled theirs – without too much trouble, to Sazh's embarrassment – it was time to head out. Sazh took the lead so Snow could keep an eye on him, and Lightning watched their backs from the rear.

The trip so far had been uneventful- since both Lightning and Sazh were good shots, they didn't really have to worry too much about raging wildlife. As Snow was in the middle, and more often than not it was Lightning or Sazh that made the final kill, it fell to him to collect whatever materials he could for them. They made it to the Vallis Media in record time, and since they had to worry about more than just their own stamina, Sazh suggested they take a break.

Lightning had a bad feeling about this, and for good reason: the narrow path to the Vallis Media was thin and winding, and rockslides could hit at any time.

As well as materials such as Rangda hides and various fluids from various flan, Snow had also collected a variety of choice slices of Gorgonopsid meat, leaving the carcasses for other animals to feast on. They had found out on similar excursions that by battling magic-wielding wildlife, they were able to absorb a small amount from each animal they killed, since they were former l'Cie; therefore, they were able to perform basic spells even though they did not have any brand or a focus tied to it. Humans without a l'Cie's past cannot achieve this. So it was no surprise to anyone when Sazh performed a quick fire spell to cook the meat with, and they were currently eating it as an early dinner. Lightning guessed, from the position of the sun, that it was 3 to 4 o'clock in the afternoon. As they sat and kept watch, a loud squawking roar made them look up. A Zirnitra circled overhead, looking for prey. It emitted its loud call again and swooped down, creating a powerful blitz of air. The brush of its wings and the air emitted from them was more than enough to send already unstable rocks tumbling down their way.

"Look out!" Sazh yelled.

Snow didn't have time to think. He tackled the closest person to the ground, which happened to be Lightning. Snow shielded her body with his own as the rocks kept tumbling down, miraculously missing them by inches. When it was all over, Snow leapt up and offered her his hand, a mirror of what had happened that same morning. Lightning took it, and together they surveyed their surroundings.

Sazh was nowhere to be seen. The rockslide had created a slippery wall, one that seemed to rise up to the heavens, separating the Vallis Media from the Archylte Steppe, just as Lightning had feared.

"Dammit, I knew it," Lightning growled.

"Sazh! You still with us?" Snow yelled.

A muffled reply was given from behind the wall: "Yeah, I'm good! The chocobos aren't, though. One of 'em got swooped up by the Zirnitra, and the others legged it!"

"Which means no transport for us," Lightning murmured.

"And no way to get back, either," Snow added.

"What about you two?" Sazh yelled.

"Yeah, we're good!" Snow yelled back.

"What the hell are we supposed to do now?" Lightning asked. "We're separated from everyone else, and to top it off, I'm stuck with you!"

"I'm gonna ignore that last comment, Light. Sazh, we're gonna need help. Grab Hope and NORA and come back!"

"But what about you two? By the sound of it, Soldier Girl's just about ready to run you through, and it's only been a couple of minutes! I don't think that bodes well for you." Evidently, Sazh heard the last comment from Lightning. Even from behind a wall of rocks, Snow could very well hear the doubt that came off of Sazh's words.

"We'll be fine, Sazh. Just go get help!" Lightning yelled.

"I'm going, but it's gonna be at least -"

"Just go!" Lightning interrupted, annoyed.

"Good grief," Sazh muttered, and ran.

**…**

"Still got your reins?" Lightning asked after a lengthy silence between the two.

"Yeah," Snow replied, and showed them to her as proof.

"That's one stroke of luck, at least."

"Where're yours?" Snow asked.

"I can't seem to find mine. Think Sazh has them."

"How very un-Lightning of you," Snow joked, earning one of Lightning's signature glares, though he noticed that it didn't have quite as much strength as it used to. A flicker of worry rose in him. He wanted to help her, just like he knew she wanted help from _someone._ She was just too stubborn to admit it.

"Hey, Snow?" He looked up curiously to see Lightning's cerulean eyes locked on his, and the brief vulnerability in them made him want to cross the distance between them and pull her into a comforting embrace, but he knew she'd sooner skewer him with one of Fang's spears than hug him. It shook him up inside to see Lightning, the unbreakable pillar of strength that had kept them all sane during their time as l'Cie, was crumbling from the inside.

"I'm sorry...for what I said before. I'm just..." What was she doing? She said just this morning that she would not share her feelings with this man. _No way in hell_ were her exact words of thought. She truly was losing it. No other words for it. She shook her head. "I'm just really...I don't know."

"It's Serah, isn't it? This is really hitting you hard." Snow met her gaze. "I mean, when we were l'Cie, you...you stopped us from going completely. Hope was willing for us to leave him behind, but you showed him what power he had within. Back in the Ark, when I was...well, I wasn't me. You talked to me, and said that I even made you believe our Focus was to save Cocoon. You were so strong then..."

Lightning sat and listened to Snow's little speech, dumbstruck. Is that how he really thought of her? Is that how she looked to everyone else? And worse, was she really that transparent about losing Serah again?

Was she and Snow really that different anyway?

"And now look at you. You're so worn down, so..._not_ you that...well, it isn't natural."

She could do nothing but agree with him. He was spot on about everything he'd just said. Back when they were l'Cie, she felt it was her duty to be strong for everyone else. That's what led her to lose her childhood in the first place, when her parents died. She had to be strong for Serah, so when she asked if she could help in some way, and get a job, Lightning didn't let her. She wasn't ready for that. She had to protect her. She had to make sure she had the childhood, the happiness that Lightning felt was ready to give up. And then she met Snow...and Lightning could see, could feel that he would eventually take her baby sister away from her. She could see it in Serah's eyes: she loved him. She never really had much time to spend with Serah, because her line of work was so demanding. If she could go back, could change anything, it would be the time she spent with her sister. She would have strived to make time to spend with her, maybe go out somewhere, to the park or a restaurant, and bond with her, like sisters should. She had so many regrets in life.

_I am so stupid, _she thought. Something must have shown in her eyes, guilt maybe, because Snow got up, closed the distance between them, and hugged her. She tried to shake him off, but he was stronger than her, outweighed her in muscle, and he was simply too stubborn. He just held on until she finally snapped. She had to let it out somehow, and her emotional defences weren't so great at the moment anyway.

Snow was surprised at how quickly Lightning surrendered to her own emotions. She must have been more stuffed than he thought. He held her, whispered soothing nonsense into her ear, ran his hands through her hair, rocked her gently back and forth.

"I'm such an idiot," she finally said, her voice raspy and muffled by Snow's chest. "All the time I could've spent with her, but was too busy. I could've made time for her, gotten to know my own sister. And now...now I can't!"

"You never know," Snow whispered, unknowingly mirroring Sazh's words to her that morning. She pulled back and looked into his eyes.

"Snow, tell me the truth. Do you love Serah? Do you truly believe she will wake up?"

Snow blanched at her words. Sure, he had asked himself the same questions, but to have them thrown bluntly at him like that made them harder to answer. Of course he loved her. He felt like he always had, like his life was dark before she lit up his horizon. But did he really believe she would one day awaken? Or was he just fooling himself?

Lightning could see the indecision in his eyes. He loved her, sure, but he didn't truly believe she would come back. But she wanted him to say it. And after a moment's wait, he did.

"Of course I love her. How could I not? She's such a beautiful person, inside and out. She had an outlook on life that was refreshing for me. She's like the sun in my sky. But I really don't know if I believe she will wake up. Even if she does, I...I don't think I'll be around to see it," Snow explained, his resolve faltering in that last sentence.

"You don't believe she'll wake up, then?" Lightning pushed.

"I just don't think she'll wake up in our lifetime. Remember Fang and Vanille? Last time, they slept for over 500 years."

He looked at her, and she looked at him. _We're pretty similar, _he realised. _Both of us are struggling._ He saw her eyes cloud over, like she was lost in thought as well. _Maybe we don't have to be alone in this._

**…**

Meanwhile, Sazh was on his way back to the Western Benchland, having to avoid all manner of wildlife in order not to get shredded. There was one highly stressful moment where he almost became part of the dirt because of one oretoise, but he was still alive.

Well, partly. His old lungs couldn't take much more of running full-tilt from Gorgonopsids, and he prayed to Pulse or the Maker, or whatever other deity was listening, that it would be over soon. He almost started crying when he reached the entrance to their little village. He almost fell over and rolled down the slope, where several kids were playing. They all froze and stared, wondering what the heck a 40-year-old man was doing running as fast as his rapidly-failing legs and wheezy lungs would let him. He crashed into Hope's house, where both he and Maqui had little Bhakti propped on the little table in the middle of the room. They both looked up as Sazh basically collapsed down on the floor, wheezing. Hope immediately shot up and ran over to him.

"Are you ok? We didn't expect you back here for at least a couple of days!" He tried to pick him up, but he was way too heavy, so he half-carried, half-dragged him to the little chocobo-down mattress in the far corner. Through the wheezing, Hope could hear Sazh whispering, "Zirnitra...rockslide..."

"Stay calm, Sazh. Tell me, what happened?" Ice clamped around his heart as he realised Snow and Lightning were still out there. If Sazh had come back like this, who knows how Lightning and Snow were faring...

"Sazh, what happened?" Hope asked, urgency and desperation lacing his words.

"Give me...a minute..." Sazh wheezed back. When his breathing was under control, he began to explain what had happened in the Vallis Media's entrance. When he was done, no face was paler than Hope's.

"Then we have to do something! Right now!"

"What're you thinking, Hope? We can't just go there, it'd be dark before we got too far," Maqui interjected. "Besides, it'd take us even longer to clear the debris out of the way."

Hope knew Maqui had a valid point. But Snow was like a big/little brother to him, and Lightning was...well, Lightning. They were both like family to him. He couldn't just let them stay there!

"It's ok, Hope. We'll ready what we have today, then set off tomorrow. No biggie."

Hope nodded. Inside, he knew he was being rather irrational. Maqui was right, after all. All he had to do was wait until tomorrow.

That didn't mean he had to like it.

**…**

Night fell quickly on Gran Pulse. The sun sank under the horizon and disappeared like it was never there in the first place. The moon shone, the stars twinkled merrily as they played upon their inky black playground, like a mother looking after her children as they played. Down below, a fire crackled, keeping two pained faces in the light.

Snow looked over at Lightning for what felt like the millionth time that evening. Her eyes were glassy, unreadable, as was her body language. She was expressionless. Simply, she was out of the real world's reach, stuck somewhere else. Her face was lit up from the fire's glow, but she looked more like death warmed over. She had big dark shadow-like bruises under her eyes, which were red. Her cheeks were flushed, and tear tracks were visible, gleaming in the firelight.

"You wanna take the first watch?" Snow asked her, partly because he wanted to know, and partly because he wanted to pull her out of whatever scary world she was in. Her head turned to look at him, still with a very blank expression on her face that made him want to run away. She simply shrugged and turned her head back to its former position, preparing for another staring contest with the rocks that bound her here.

Snow's eye twitched. "That wasn't an answer."

She ignored him. Finally, Snow had had enough of her mood; she may be suffering, but that did not mean she had to do so alone. He stood and walked as calmly as he could to where she sat. she didn't even seem to notice him. He kneeled in front of her so that she could not look at anything else but him. Her eyes didn't move; she didn't even blink.

"Lightning." No answer. Was she ignoring him on purpose?

"Lightning," he repeated, more forcefully this time. She focused on him, but still did not give any indication she was listening, or even there at all. Snow let himself study her, figuring that if she wasn't here, he wouldn't get punched for staring. He catalogued every detail he could: her eyes, usually so cold, but if you were lucky, you could get them to warm up; her hair, still situated over her left shoulder. Although Serah's hair was similar, Snow noticed Lightning's was a shade paler than hers, with faint blonde streaks; her lips, usually set in an eternal frown, but if you were lucky (or Hope), you could coax a rare smile from those lips.

Snow felt his insides soften. She was so beautiful, but so different from her sister. Serah was usually so happy, despite her past, whereas Lightning was still caught up in it. He longed to help her, but she was so distant now. Like no matter how far he stretched his hand, he would not reach her.

"Lightning," he breathed. That finally seemed to get her to focus entirely on him, her eyes no longer glassy. She jumped; how long had he been kneeling there? She tried to flinch away, but found her arms were being held by Snow's warm hands. The skin there felt hot, and she could not falter from his gaze. Their eyes were locked together; blue on blue.

"Snow?" she asked, but now it was him that seemed to be far away. His hand moved away from her arm to stroke her cheek, and she felt a blush rise where he had skimmed his hand along her cheekbone.

Wait. What was happening here? Was Snow truly aware of what he was doing, what he was implying simply by touching her this way? And by the Gods, why was she _responding_? She felt like she was on autopilot, her body acting when her mind very much wanted to relinquish. Her hands acted of their own accord, one hand snaking out to Snow's cheek, the other on his hand, not letting it move from her cheek.

_What are you doing? Don't you hate him? Isn't he engaged to your sister? Are you out of your _mind_?_

_Yes._

_Then get the hell back! This is forbidden territory for you! Don't encroach what is not yours!_

_Shut up. It's not like I'm the only one doing this. He started it._

_Then you finish it! Punch him in the face, kick him where the sun don't shine; _something_!_

_I can't._

And it was true. She couldn't seem to move away, break the connection that was startlingly, suddenly, scarily strong, pulling them both into each other. She couldn't fight it, couldn't even find the will to keep her eyes open. Her eyelids fluttered shut, her lips parted, and she could taste his breath, they were so close. There was a moment's hesitation, and then his lips were on hers. The rest of the world seemed to melt away, the gravity of their situation disappeared, and it was just them; alone, together. Her hands moved from his cheeks to the back of his neck, fingering the hair she found there. His hands slid down her body to her waist, making her shiver and groan. When they finally pulled apart, they were breathless and gasping for air. Their eyes locked again.

"What just happened?" Lightning breathed. She felt a long-forgotten part of her chest grow and warm, and her insides felt like warm jelly.

"I have no idea, but I liked it," Snow replied huskily, making Lightning blush heavily. She fought not to smile like some silly school-girl, since she couldn't fight the blush. Now she couldn't keep her eyes open, but for a very different reason. She felt exhausted. Her eyes fluttered shut once more, and she fell into Snow, unable to keep herself up. He caught her before she could hit the ground, and with ease, he picked her up and moved her closer to the fire. He gently lay her down, and after a moment's indecision, lay behind her and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to his chest. He relaxed and listened to the steady beating of her heart, and after a little while, she turned toward him and curled into his warmth.

He slept better than he had in months.

**…**

The sun shining brightly into Lightning's eyes woke her the next morning. She groaned, turning over into warmth.

_Must've forgotten to close the blinds, _she thought, annoyed. Her eyes snapped open again when she felt the arms she hadn't noticed before tighten slightly around her. She looked around, not seeing much as Snow's chest was in the way.

Wait. Snow's chest? She was sleeping next to Snow? Lightning felt annoyed. She was about to wiggle her way out of his grip and wake him up with her fist, but then memories of the night before wiggled their way into her mind. Her distance. Snow's breath on her face. His lips on hers. His hands on her waist.

_Maker, _she thought, the urge to hit him subsiding. _I must be crazy, letting Snow – of all people! – kiss me like that. Why didn't I stop him?_

_Because you liiiike him, _a voice in her head drawled, drawing out the word 'like'.

_What? That's insane! My sister-_

_Isn't here now, and probably won't be for a while. Remember, she didn't actually complete her focus. You did it for her, _the voice insisted. _Ergo, isn't it only reasonable that she will be in crystal stasis for a good long time, as a sort of punishment?_

She hadn't thought of it that way before, and she knew perfectly well why. Her sister was a sweet, kind soul, the kind of girl that people around her loved, and the thought of punishing her never crossed their minds. _Punished..._

_Damn fal'Cie! _she yelled in her mind, very much annoyed. She must've said it aloud as well, because right then Snow twitched and opened his eyes blearily. He jumped when he realised just who he was holding on to, and then when he realised that if Lightning didn't find it at all to her liking she would've punched him by now, relaxed slightly. He let her wriggle out of his arms to stretch, and both immediately missed the warmth of the other. He got up too, stretched, and walked over to the wall of rocks that had started everything in the first place.

He didn't know he could feel for two women at the same time, but now he knew it is a very real possibility, and it was happening to him right now. The kiss last night, and then lying with her afterwards, enjoying her company, was proof of the very real reality he now lived in. He never thought it would be so confusing. Should he stay with his wife-to-be, who might not even awake from crystal stasis in time? Should he pursue the feelings he felt for the tough ex-soldier, who just happened to be Serah's older sister? Would Lightning kill him for abandoning Serah? Or would she just accept that she wasn't coming home and move on?

His decision was made.

Lightning heard the unmistakeable sound of silver pooling on a surface, and turned to find Snow with the engagement necklace he had bought for himself and for Serah to symbolise their engagement in his hand. His eyes locked with hers once again, and he held out the necklace for her to see.

"Is this the right decision?" he asked simply.

Lightning was, once again, dumbstruck. Snow continued to surprise her.

"W-what?" she stammered, mentally kicking herself for it.

"Would Serah want me to move on if we all knew she wasn't coming home? Would she want the same for you?" Snow persisted.

"I-um, I don't really know for sure," she replied, frowning slightly in thought.

Snow took one step forward, and then another, until he was less than two feet away. "I think I do," he murmured, reaching up to stroke her cheekbone once more. Again, Lightning felt some sort of spell trap her, make her unable to move as Snow's fingers made her tremble in their gentleness. They left hot trails down her cheek, making her shiver. This time it was Lightning who stepped closer, enough that they could almost feel the other's lips, but not quite. Lightning let her lips slightly brush his, but before she could step back, Snow's free hand caught her back, pulling her closer to him. Their lips met again, and the kiss was chaste to start off with. As they continued to kiss, Lightning felt too warm, almost uncomfortably so, and that heat intensified as Snow opened his lips against hers. She mirrored his movements and the kiss turned from chaste to passionate as they explored each other's mouths. Her hands slid down his chest, enjoying the way he trembled and groaned against her mouth, but they didn't stop there. Her hands continued their way down his chest, then circled his waist and climbed up his back, unintentionally taking the hem of his shirt with them. Snow jolted at the feel of her hands on his back, without the barrier of a piece of cotton. His hands ached to respond in kind. They travelled down her sides to her waist, then, mirroring hers, moved slowly up her back. By now their bodies were flush against each other, and they both relished the contact, at what they were doing to the other. Both were feeling similar; their body temperature was rising, their stomachs had butterflies inside and their chests were throbbing, right where their hearts lay, beating fast and creating a rhythm between the two; a beat only they could hear or feel. As Snow thought he was just about to lose his grip on his self-control, several voices were heard, voices that were not theirs.

"Snow! Lightning! Are you two ok?" Hope's voice shouted.

"You two good?" Sazh added.

Snow's hands moved from Lightning's back to her cheeks, holding her head in place. He gave her one more soft, chaste kiss before shouting, "Yeah, we're good!"

In that instant their thoughts mirrored each other.

Yeah. They were damn good.

* * *

_**Was that ending too abrupt? Was there not enough fluff, or maybe too much? Did it come on too strongly? Was there OOC-ness? Let me know!**_

_**Also, if you want to put in a request for this, I'm all ears, because quite frankly I'm running out of ideas for these two...**_

_**Ciao, Kupos!**_


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